PRESIDENT DENIES AFFILIATION WITH CREDIBLE SWIFT BOAT PATRIOTS EXERCISING THEIR RIGHT TO SPEAK FREELY ABOUT JOHN KERRY'S MEGA-OVERRATED VIETNAM VACATION
Remarks by the President
Good afternoon. Today I wanted to come on out and talk to you media folks a little about this whole business about what
Senator John Kerry did or didn't do while lollygagging around Vietnam sporting tropical necklaces made from
the rotting earlobes of slant-eyed teenagers.
First of all, for the record, let me state that I am a firm believer in positive advertising.
And secondly, that I in NO way endorse the heroic members of the Swift Boat Veterans
for Truth's non-partisan onslaught on the allegedly valiant military service of John Kerry. Furthermore, now that the
damage to ol' Droopy's post-convention poll bubble has already been done, I call on all 527 organizations to stop
their attacks IMMEDIATELY – before MoveOn.org starts really spending its war chest!
The past few weeks, these inspiredly malicious ads have cast doubt over John Kerry's war record, which for some reason
makes him think he's more qualified to wage a crusade. Well let me tell you folks something: I ain't
afraid of bullets, specifically because I've never been shot at. And that lack of fear is why I've got balls of
tightly wound barbed wire. It's why I can send thousands of future Wal-Mart serfs off to Iraq to get their
puffy rap-hop hissing lips blown off without so much as blinking.
These Swift Boat veterans, whom I have never met, swilled beer with, given
free legal advice to, or slapped on the back after a super exciting game of horseshoes, are just listening to their
consciences. The way I recently listened to mine when asking myself, "Should I send all those colored grunts off
to die in a vanity war dreamed up by sexless neocon brainiacs while playing Stratego and watching Saving Private Ryan?
But let's pretend for a moment that there's a connection between my posse of known political assassins and these
self-loathing nutjobs who want to settle a score because they didn't have the guts to protest a war they knew was
being fought poorly on every front. Would it really matter? No, it wouldn't – because history doesn't
remember cowardly slime tactics, or even the little people I hypnotize with glowing piņatas full of candy-coated
lies. What history WILL remember is the dude who single-handedly transformed the Baby Boomers from a generation
of self-involved diva ninnies into an arab-slaughtering generation that's 35% more righteous and ass-kicking
than our parents, who can never shut the fuck up about WWII.
And so, let it be known I condemn all attacks on Vietnam veterans running against me after the fact. It's
totally not my fault that, for the past three weeks, the Kerry campaign has had to be on the defensive,
deflecting scurrilous accusations that might or might not be true, and effectively preventing him from
gaining any ground in the polls before RAZZLE-DAZZLEMANIA 2004: THE GOP DOES BROADWAY, where I will convince
the nation that I want what's best for everybody who agrees with me and shares the same tax bracket.
On a closing note, allow me to demonstrate my respect for Vietnam vets with the following statement: John McCain,
my newest bestest pal, is a true Vietnam War hero, no matter how much we hate each other. But starting now, I love
John for two reasons. One, I'm told to, and two, because he somehow convinces Democrats he's anything but a
right-wing Pro-lifer. And he's a real born-again company man, an anti-politics politician who'll do anything to
stay in Washington. Which is why today, I'm happy to say that this year, unlike 2000, my operatives won't be
claiming he consorted with the enemy and porks enough negroid hoochie mamas to sire a whole army of
illegitimate, crack-dealing tar babies.
See, ain't I a nice guy?
Thank you, and God Bless America.
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