THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. What a great pleasure it is to be here in Philadelphia for the 95th Annual NAACP Convention.

NOTE TO POTUS: Wait until rapturous applause subsides before proceeding.   – Karl

You know, rarely am I more comfortable than when I'm addressing a very large crowd of you dark-skinned fellas...

NOTE TO POTUS: KEEP STRAIGHT FACE WHEN LYING. These people may be stupid, but they're not Helen Keller.   – Karl

...so long as there are no voting machines around!

Get the GODLY New Book!

NOTE TO POTUS: Pause for cheers.   – Karl

But seriously, I want to thank you all for having me back this year. I really appreciate it – especially in light of the fact that the NAACP top brass is a little miffed with my legislative agenda. Fortunately for all Americans, they have a president would never be so petty as to turn down your kind invitation out of pure vitriol and political spite. After all, the last president to flip the bird to you people that way was Herbert Hoover, and the last thing I want is history books mentioning me and that loser in the same sentence. Well, aside from all the sentences about that whole "millions of jobs lost" thing. But then you lazy welfare monkeys don't need me to tell you about unemployment, do you?

NOTE TO POTUS: Pause for knowing laughter. Give friendly wink to nobody in particular.   – Karl

You know, the thing I've always loved about your organization is its name. No, not the boring "NAACP" acronym that everyone hides behind these days. I'm talking about the full name: "National Association for the Advancement of COLORED People." I like it because whenever some politically correct whiner tries to infringe on my speechly freedom to use the words "colored" or "nigger," I can just point to you folks (and Chris Rock) and say, "Well what about them?!"

And that's why I was sad to hear that some folks think you people need to drop 'colored' from your name to appease the liberal language police. Well I hope it never happens. But if it does, I recommend a whole new name with a nifty acronym I can actually pronounce. Something catchy, like "Coalition Of Optimistic Negroes Society." Know what I mean?

NOTE TO POTUS: Pause for hushed appreciation of your brilliance.   – Karl

Now I regret I don't have much time here today – on account of I'm due at a private $10,000/hotdog fund-raiser across town at the Wharton School of Business – where there are people who will actually vote for me. So with that in mind, let me cut to the meat of my remarks, which have been scientifically calibrated by my speech-writing team to make the best possible impact any time I have to address more than ten of you people. So here we go...

NOTE TO POTUS: Pretend to feel emotional.   – Karl

I'm told that once upon a time, there was this colored fella – some of you may have even heard of him – named Dr. Martin Lawrence King. Or whatever. Now this Dr. King had a dream. It was a dream about injustice and oppression being replaced by freedom and justice. A dream about children living in an America where they don't get judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. Sheesh – sounds more like a nightmare than a dream if you ask me! I mean, if that's how things really worked, I'd have ended up pumping gas instead of going to Yale and having rich guys buy me my own oil company.

But anyway, so yeah, he had a dream. And even though a review of my career in government paints a vivid portrait of intense animosity towards the very issues and principles that Dr. King championed, I will nevertheless shamelessly invoke his name and memory here today in a cheap, blatant, and utterly fruitless attempt to turn you negrazoids on to not just the Bush/Cheney 2004 ticket, but to the wonderful world of electoral masochism in general. Why? Because as a "compassionate conservative," that's what I'm all about.

NOTE TO POTUS: Handlers will enter stage right with two dozen photogenic black children. Pat several on head. Smile for your close-up.   – Karl

Thank you, and God Bless America.

NOTE TO POTUS: Exit stage left.   – Karl

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