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Governor John Rowland
State Capitol
210 Capitol Avenue
Hartford, CT 06106
June 22, 2004
Dear John,
Sorry to hear about your resignation. That's a tough break. I'll never understand why stealing
public money gets portrayed by the Hebraic media as a "bad" thing. I mean, if there's one thing me
and Dick have learned about the American people, it's that they don't care if their elected officials
are as crooked as a Limey's choppers – just so long as the head honcho isn't squirting baby batter
all over some hippo intern's party dress.
But you know, having had your job myself, I understand that state governors have a hard time. Too bad you
couldn't declare war on some pussy state like Rhode Island or something to distract people from all that boring
corruption stuff. Back in Texas, I'd just work the voters into a blood lust by snuffing out a couple
Negra-Rican dime bag dealers every few days. Of course, nothing beats this deal I've
got going with the GI's in Iraq. Now I can even kill white poor folks – over 800 so far –
and half the country still supports me! Pretty good tradeoff when you think about it.
But I digressify. As far as your situation goes, it's like I've told over 3 million Americans over the last
three years: consider your newfound unemployment a blessing in disguise! Connecticut's a shithole, anyway.
Well, at least the little bit I remember from Yale was. All those snotty intellectual elites sashaying around
reading books and sneering down their beaks at you every time you pass out on the green in a slick of your
own Schlitz puke. Man, was I ever happy we came up with that "security" excuse to avoid having to go Jenna's
sister's graduation. Just getting near New Haven would have had me shotgunning the Air Force One mini-bar
faster than you can kick up a game of homo nudie leap frog at Abu Ghraib.
Well, I gotta get back to "Garfield the Movie" which is on pause on the DVD... but cheer up, Johnny-boy.
We'll see to it that you can pull off a Dick Nixon, and despite your total disgrace and wanton criminality, somehow still
become fabulously rich and respected as an "elder statesman." Meanwhile, I'll think of a way to get you in my second
term cabinet as soon as we go through the motions with this quaint "election" technicality.
Your Pal,
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