THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and Happy Magical Resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Day. Yesterday, after weeks and weeks of listening to nosey reporters whine while my approval ratings sank into the crapper, I made a decision – which despite the fact that I said I'd never do it should NOT be interpreted as a Kerryesque "flip-flop" – to release one of my super-secret Presidential Daily Briefings. Now this particular PDB, entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US," was read aloud to me by Condi Rice on August 6th, 2001 – the same exact day I was due to leave for my first of many well-deserved month-long vacations at my luxury ranch in Texas. Well today, I trust that the American people will agree I did the right thing, when after glancing over that ridiculously vague memo filled with specific references to a domestic al Qaeda attack, I promptly skipped town for thirty fun-filled days of golf, jogging, and naps. Thank you.

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