THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. Through no proclamation of my own, today has been designated World AIDS Day. Now normally I have no interest in World Whatever Days. Whether it be World Water Day, World Peace Day, or World Chicken-Dancing-Smelly-Bitches-With-Hairy-Pits Day, it's all just a little bit too hippy-drippy for my tastes. Nevertheless, in the interest of appearing to practice the compassionate conservatism that I pretend to preach – if only occasionally – I wanted to take a little break on this day to talk at all the pervert savages out there with AIDS.

Now inasmuch as I strive to model my political career not on the pathetic, failed single term of my effeminate father, but instead on the eight glorious years of Ronald Reagan's reign, I have, of course, spent most of my presidency carefully emulating The Gipper's inspired approach to the AIDS epidemic – totally ignoring it.

(Applause.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

Truth be told – that's the one thing Bill Clinton and I have had in common. Well, that and a weakness for collegiate Jewess cakehole. Unfortunately for old Bubba, he didn't have my mom around to threaten to slice off his hacky sack if he didn't dump that chunky, menorah-worshipping slut decades before she became a political liability.

(Applause.)

Anyway, way back in late 2002, when I was gearing up to give the finger to the U.N. and kick off a massive unilateral military campaign to waste tens of thousands of civilian ragheads, it became necessary for me to find some dumb humanitarian issue to pretend to care about in order to offset the horrors of the impending Islamian holocaust I was foaming at the mouth to unleash. So after Karl held a few dozen focus groups in the key blue states I almost won in 2000 – especially Florida – my people decided that issue was the none other than God's righteous homo cancer: "AIDS."

As you know, the rest is history. Early this year, during my State of the Union address, I stunned the world by announcing that I would request $15 Billion dollars in funds to combat AIDS in the nation of Africa. Of course, within a matter of days, when my dearest friends from the Christian Coalition discovered that the plan involved a budgetary pittance devoted to condom distribution and sex education for poor and ignorant folks, they got so worked up, I was afraid Pat Robertson was going to issue a fatwah on my ass!

(Laughter.)

Well that's why, when it came time to actually pony up the first $3 Billion, not only did I slash it by 33%, I also insisted that 33% of the remaining $2 Billion be devoted exclusively to abstinence education.

(Laughter.)

Wait! It gets better! Because then I said that not a single impoverished African village could have a goddamned penny unless they somehow scraped together the funds to build entirely different mud huts in which to do their filthy condom and non-abstinence sex-ed talk. Because hey, the last thing born-again white Southern Baptist Americans will tolerate is the idea of paying for big foreign colored fellas learning anything that will enable them to safely propagate their inferior species.

(Applause.)

Of course, lots of other stuff has happened since way back in January. Most importantly, now that I've exacted personal blood feud vengeance on Saddam Hussein, I want to blow $87 Billion more on getting American soldiers killed in Iraq. Hence, it's finally time for me to come clean and admit that my earlier AIDS pledge is, in fact, never going to happen.

And that is why today, on World AIDS Day, I urge all the HIV-positive subhumans of the world to please – not just for your own good, but more importantly, for mine – to please, please, please... quit being so totally gay.

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America.

(Applause.)

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