THE MASSACHUSETTS GAY MARRIAGE RULING: VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY'S STATEMENT DENOUNCING THE HOMOCRAT AGENDA TO INFILTRATE THE SACRED INSTITUTIONS OF DIVORCE AND ADULTERY
Statement by the Vice President
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. With the President en route to England, it falls to me to publicly address a
judicial tragedy that unfolded earlier today. Several hours ago, the Justices of the Supreme Court of the alleged state of
Taxachusetts ruled that its own ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. In the process, they have opened a
horrifying Pandora's box, unleashing a filthy swarm of lascivious New England pole smokers and turf chompers who not only mispronounce words that
end in "a," but will also henceforth shamelessly indulge in the practice of... monogamy!
(Gasps.)
Yes, today marks a sad and terrible day in the history of both our country and its great institutions. Because if the
last two hundred years should have taught us anything, it is that certain institutions aren't for everyone. Unfortunately, leftist
extremists have always felt just the opposite, and have done their best to pollute previously fine institutions with the inferior
and unworthy. That's right – thanks to liberals, America's voting booths and country clubs and executive board rooms are
positively infested with coloreds and cripples and women and fags!
(Boos.)
My sentiments exactly! Why, even our own Republican Party has not been
immune. And my friends, if we don't do something to stop this trend, there's not going to be a single institution
left that anyone of substance would want to be affiliated with. Fortunately, at this moment – despite what may be happening in
Vermont and Massachusetts and Canada and the Netherlands and Spain and most of the rest of Europe and God-knows-where-else – marriage is
just such an institution. Which is why, in the words of our Dear Leader George W. Bush, "we must strive for a world where
the institutionalization of people is paramount."
(Applause.)
Of course, we've all grown somewhat accustomed to the ridiculous demands of the Homocrat agenda. These perverts think that
just because they're too dumb to know which flavor crotch giblets they're supposed to make gravy with, that they're entitled
to special rights. Preposterous, outlandish special rights – like the right to not be thrown out of your house
or job, or the right to not get fatally queerbashed for winking at the wrong dude with a handlebar mustache and a leather vest. Well,
the Bush Administration has remained vehemently opposed to every one of those special rights, and we'll defeat this whole
marriage nonsense as well. Because at the end of the day, if we let those animals have the right to be happy,
they just might get the funny idea that they deserve other rights – like life and liberty!
The simple fact of the matter is: by keeping these sex freaks down, by denying them rights that will further enable them
to form politically powerful tax brackets, we will save this country from the legalization of the following
social ailments: bestiality felching, public hot karls, loud squishy gay sex in ICU's, necrophilia, coprophagia,
nipple pinching, fisting, toy store glory holes, gangster rap, frat boy rape prosecution, far-sighted environmental
policies in lieu of cheap election payoffs, actual free trade that benefits both trading parties, dirty panty eBay auctions,
testicle sucking, a greasy trembling finger gently slithered into my anus – careful so careful not to poke my evil,
tar-filled prostate and make me sob hot tears of ecsta– uh... you get the idea.
Now this isn't just idle conjecture on my part, either. My
wife Lynne wrote a graphic lesbian novel called Sisters, from which
I learned all about this stuff. It's a fascinating book. In fact, our one daughter read it so many times, she became intrigued
with the idea of infiltrating the homosexual community and performing acts of conservative sabotage. That's why over the decades, she has
selflessly abstained from taking a husband while a long succession of nefarious sapphic roommates have shared her tiny studio apartment's
murphy bed with her. So you see, I kind of know what I'm talking about here, America.
(Applause.)
I also want to thank the Vatican for all they're doing to fight the good fight against fag marriage. It's a real honor
to be crusading alongside the same folks who battled so fearlessly against some of humanity's greatest scourges: the round earth
theory, heliocentrism, evolution, Islam, birth control, and now, equal taxes and health care for queers.
(Applause.)
In the coming months, as this Administration fights for the sanctity of marriage against the state of Massachusetts, you
unquestioning faithful might accidentily find yourself in close proximity to people who disagree with your being right about
this black and white topic. For instance, you might be told that it's a soveriegn state's right to make legal decisions
that pertain to itself – outside of Federal jurisdiction. Furthermore, you might be told that such anti-Federalism is a
cornerstone of Republican ideology. Someone might mention that while the legislature makes laws, the judicial system interprets
them fairly, such as in the 2000 election that ruled I had won the Vice Presidency. Still others will say it is God's
responsibility to sanctify; that marriage is a social contract that only ensures certain financial benefits to spouses
and their dependants. To these arguments I say: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT, SHUT, SHUT UP!
(Stumbles. Pats forehead with bacon cheeseburger from breast pocket. Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless America.
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White House Information:
