Last year, despite all of Pat Robertson's prayers to stop it, the American pornography industry continued its meteoric rise, surpassing $6 Billion in revenue and ejaculating a fetid slick of carnality into America's living rooms, hotel rooms, and after-hours Elks Club meetings. During Protection from Pornography Week, we Republicans bow down before Pat – and all the Fundamentalist Christians who bankroll our political campaigns – and commit to making well-publicized professions of insincere, anachronistic outrage.

America's Puritan forefathers knew well enough that the human body is a shameful and repulsive thing. They preached that while God, in all of His infinite wisdom and power, saw fit to create us in His own perfect and wholesome image, He also chose to customize us – not unlike a tinkering Oriental teenager outfitting a decrepit Honda Civic with neon windshield wipers. Specifically, Merciful God gave us genitals – hideous fusions of hirsute, foul-smelling flesh and sundry weeping holes specifically designed to instill crippling embarrassment and self-loathing. And so it was that the Puritans embraced God's vision: thrashing their pleasure giblets into withered submission, and only enduring the sickening trauma of crotch grinding in order to ensure a future in which hats with belt buckles would define American haute couture.

Today, despite our shared Puritan heritage, too many Americans have lost touch with the innate crushing mortification that should surround all things genital. And despite the best efforts of our good friends at Wal-Mart and Blockbuster Entertainment, every minute of every hour sees pornography slithering its way through countless millions of America's VCRs, DVD players, Pay-Per-View rosters, web sites, and magazines. In the process, the Good Lord's will is undone by falsely depicting genitals and genital coupling as not only healthy and normal, but also worthy of display!

That is why, speaking as a born-again President who was almost elected by a populace hungry to restore prudery to an Oval Office stained by the wayward seed of an Arkansas hillbilly, I wish it to be known that Laura and I have personally spent thousands of hours confirming the abhorrent nature of this scourge. Indeed, whether it be the esophageal acrobatics of Deep Throat, the peppy abandon of Debbie Does Dallas, or the titillating intrigue of Rectal Marauder, Parts I-XXIV, my wholesome wife and I are on record as being unequivocally opposed to the attitudes, positions, and level of bedroom lighting depicted therein.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Rehnquist Supreme Court, do hereby proclaim October 26 through November 1, 2003, as Protection From Pornography Week. I call upon serial moralizers, prudish asexuals, Attorney General John Ashcroft, and all other closeted scat fetishists of the United States to observe this week with appropriate shame and repression.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-seventh day of October, in the year of our Lord Jesus H. Christ two thousand three, and of Texas' joining the Confederacy the one hundred and forty-second.

GEORGE W. BUSH

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help