THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. As you know, this morning brought the terrible news that my dear friend and patriotic cheerleader – the great schlock jock Rush Limbaugh, has been forced to resign his new seven-figure weekend commentator gig over at the ESPN television network – merely for speaking the truth.

Yes, it seems that going forward, Americans will be unjustly deprived of Rush's brilliantly insightful ruminations on the important minutiae generated each time our great NFL heroes bravely shimmy into their manly spandex knickers to prove their worth by feverishly grappling over an enormous pigskin testicle. And why? Simply because Rush correctly observed that some lousy quarterback gets a free ride just for being a Philadelphia porch monkey? What's wrong with that? It's called "stating a fact," and contrary to what all those liberals may now be screaming, it doesn't mean that Rush Limbaugh is prejudiced. I mean, get a grip folks, the man was just fucked up on a fistful of hillbilly heroin his Spick-o-rickan maid was force-feeding him. And to prove it, I've brought six of his very best behind-the-scenes friends to vouch for his open-mindedness to the idea of not hating people just because the Good Lord went and made them inferior. And so, here they are:

HEAR WHAT GENUINE NEGROES HAVE TO SAY ABOUT RUSH LIMBAUGH:
Whitney Houston: "Rush? A racist? Hell, no! Girl, I can't even tell you about all the good times Rush and me has had at my house. And honey, he don't care if you're black. I'm sayin', so long as the powder room medicine cabinet ain't locked, that roly-poly radio man will live life just like a Benetton ad."	Darryl Strawberry: "Prejudiced? My boy Rush? Nuh-uh! Rush is good people. Back when I was down on my luck, he'd let me sleep in the dog pen behind his Florida mansion during Yankee spring training. And do you know that all he ever axed for in return was a few dozen measly kilos of Vicodin?"
Marion Barry: "As his former business partner, I know that Brother Rush don't have a prejudiced bone in his pasty white body. And this little pill investigation down in Palm Beach will prove it. BITCH SET HIM UP – and he's gonna come down on her Mexican ass just as hard as if she was a sistah. Same as I would."	Noelle Bush: "Despite the fact that I'm Cubo-Rican, Uncle Rush has always tolerated me. And last year at Thanksgiving, he was even nice enough to drive us to like ten different all-night Eckerds before we found one with a pharmacist skinny enough for me to drag into the back room after he stun-gunned her."
Todd Bridges: "Rush Limbaugh a bigot? Whatchoo talking 'bout? Massuh Rush took me and my little brother in and was a real good role model. He taught us all about his favorite stuff. Arnold liked the politics stuff, which is why he ran for Governator of California. Me, I liked the 14-gram-a-day stuff."	Rick James: "Hey! Rush ain't no white supremacist cracker – he a genuine soul brother superfreak. He used to swing by all the time and watch me and my old lady torture our sex slave. Funny thing was, whenever I'd offer him a little toot, motherfucker would sprinkle that shit in his EARS!"

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