THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Secretary General; Mr. President; assembled foreigners; miscellaneous funny-talkers: twelve months ago, I came here and gave a speech where I pretended to think I needed the acceptance of you gibberish-spouting monkey people before kicking off my crusade to exact personal vengeance on Saddam Hussein.

That was then. Today, with U.S. occupying soldiers (and my approval ratings) dropping faster than Bill Bennett's checking balance over a weekend at Luxor, I wanted to come back here and say, despite everything that has happened, and however much of a frenzied hornets nest of terror Iraq may now be – let's say we let bygones be bygones, and you all start a) paying billions to fix up all that stuff I bombed and b) sending your boys over to get killed instead of our boys.

(Silence.)

Don't wait for the translation! Applaud now!

(Silence.)

OK then. Fortunately, before coming here today, I accepted the fact that most of you despise my redneck ass so intensely, you'll only listen to this speech for two or three minutes before tuning your little earpiece gizmos over to 1010 WINS to find out how New York's evening commute is shaping up. That's why I want to move on to a much more captivating topic: SEX SLAVES.

(Applause.)

Thank you. Yes, SEX SLAVES. Who among would ever have guessed that nearly all of the world's problems are inextricably linked to the situation with SEX SLAVES?

Now I know what you're thinking – "what does an uptight Methodist right-winger know about SEX SLAVES?" Well let me tell you – I know plenty. Back during my years in Skull & Bones and DEKE, the issue of SEX SLAVERY figured prominently in my day-to-day routine.

As a new initiate in both organizations, I assumed a sexually subservient role throughout my indoctrination and hazing periods – getting naked, donning a hood, and assuming the position to be violently paddled and probed by a chain gang of loving brothers determined to reinforce my masculinity at any cost. Later, as an upperclassman, I graduated to the role of master, righteously ushering new pledges through untold character-building sexual humiliations and countless camaraderie-building, all-night soggy biscuit tournaments.

Of course, there were other SEX SLAVES at DEKE and S&B. Both organizations maintained well-equipped dungeon facilities, each large enough to simultaneously house a half dozen untraceable New Haven hookers, passed out Vassar girls, and abducted chess club dorks. But let it be known – we always used safe words, and respected each slave's right to continue living – so long as they kept their mouths shut. Indeed, it was at Yale that I learned the ins and outs of SEX SLAVES, and went on to apply those same winning strategies elsewhere – including my own marriage.

Unfortunately, today, we see a global explosion in the mistreatment of SEX SLAVES. This problem has appeared in my own country, and we are working to stop it. The SUBMIT Act, which I signed into law this year, makes it a crime for any person to enter the United States, or for any citizen to travel abroad, for the purpose of making a SEX SLAVE engage in any of the behavior depicted in Lynne Cheney's lesbian novel.

(Boos.)

Such conduct should be a crime in all nations, and I urge other governments to do their part. And what's a good way to start? For all you jerkweeds to get off your lazy asses and start cleaning up my mess in Iraq!

(Blizzard of pies hurled.)

May Jesus Christ forgive your Godless souls.

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