THE PRESIDENT: Colored Americans have played suspiciously conspicuous roles in some of the most whiny and destabilizing moments in our Nation's history. The last time our nation had full employment for colored men was with slavery - and they still complain about it! During National Negro Tolerance Month, we Republicans nevertheless both suppress our contempt and feign respect for their many contributions to our professional sports, tap dancing and common street whore industries. As we celebrate this year's theme, "Standing for the Truth That Negroes Can Change," we remember past successes and challenges, and we resolve to make a fuss over niggling accomplishments following in the legacy of some our nation's proudest and most convincing negro tolerators, who were kind enough to give negroes a friendly pat on the head and a shiny dime long before folks careful about their personal safety made such dangerous overtures.

Now I realize that my remarks today come fully one third of way through Negro Tolerance Month. Of course that's unusual, because for most National Whatever Months, one of my speechwriters always puts out a little something something a day or two before the month kicks off. But in this case, well - it's just not a very important month to begin with, and to be honest with you, we've been so busy demonizing the stuffing out of foreign SAND negroes, we sort of forgot to pay lip service to the domestic variety of negroes that are underfoot on our very shores.

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But today, as we look forward over the remaining weeks of February, let us not dwell on the past of racial prejudice, let us look forward, and embrace a future where negroes and people alike bask in the healing white glow of enlightenment - a future where the notion of "tolerance" and so-called Black Pride (and all those freaky hairstyles that go with it) will be an anachronism, inasmuch as negroes will have elected to change. It is with this goal in mind that I am proud to announce that my Faith-Based & Community Initiatives budget for fiscal year 2004 includes no fewer than $350 million dollars to be allocated to the ex-Negro Ministry program established by our good friends at Baptists Invoking God's Old Testament Standards. Yes, the fine folks at B.I.G.O.T.S. have put together a very impressive pamphlet, which - Jesus Christ be willing - America's taxpayers will foot the bill to allow every last do-rag wearing Welfare Queen and Baby Daddy to follow in the glorious footsteps of Michael Jackson, Clarence Thomas, Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell and renounce all that "but I like being black" nonsense and start acting like the ordinary high-yellow folks in Texas we don't put down like dogs with lethal injection. If enough of you people heed the call of Republican re-education, maybe in this whole "being a Negro" thing will have run its lurid course in three years and we can free up February to remember something pleasant for a change. NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United Confederate States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Supreme Court of the United States, do hereby proclaim the remainder of February 2003 as National Negro Tolerance Month. IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this ninth day of February, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three, and of the Independence of our nation the two hundred and twentyseventh.

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