THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Righteous GOP Congressmen, Supreme Court Accomplices, politically convenient guests, cavity-searched citizens:

Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here for a photo-op that requires all of you out there to bounce up and down more often than a pack of Catholics at high mass. This year, as we gather the entire United States government together in this one chamber, let us take solace in the knowledge that I have dispatched Attorney General Ashcroft to the Shadow White House, from where he will single-handedly combat global indecency in the event we are all vaporized in a horrific nukeyular catastrophe.

Now as most of you know, I don't give many press conferences. All those hard, fact-crazy questions and spontaneous talking tend to deviate from my prepared sloganeering sound bytes. Well tonight, I'll feel none of the stutter-inducing terror of having to suddenly just think up words that's not scrolling down a Teleprompter. Which is why I stand here now, basking in the adulation of an audience so cowered by fear of being labeled un-American by FOX NEWS commentators, that they would applaud Roseanne Barr singing the Star Spangled Banner. (Applause.)

You Congress people serve my kingdom in a time of great consequence to the Bush dynasty. During this session of Congress, we have the duty to reform my approval ratings at home - and we have the opportunity to reeducate millions of lesser peoples abroad - freeing them from the scourge of higher cognition. We will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared by our campaign contributors, and we will manufacture and sensationalize every danger and every enemy that renders Americans paralyzed by fear. In all these days of warmongering and empire-building, we can be confident. In a whirlwind of injustice, poverty, and unemployment, our faith in Jesus Christ is sure, and my re-election prospects remain strong. (Applause.)

This country faces many challenges. But we will not deny or pass along our problems to other Congresses, other Presidents, and other generations. No, we will confront and destroy them as quickly as I wiped out that massive budget surplus and sense of global harmony that so marred the initial days following my coronation. (Applause.)

During the last two years, Republicans have seen what can be accomplished when we exploit tragedy for political gain. By aggressively staking a monopoly on patriotism, we achieved historic mid-term election gains — which must now be quickly put to use overstepping our mandate in every school, and every classroom, so that every child in America can be saved, and worship, and pray out loud to Jesus Christ ONLY in mandatory displays of faith. (Applause.)

To protect our country, we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland Security — which is mobilizing against the threat of civil liberties. To bring our economy out of recession, we simply stated that it happened, and resumed delivering unimaginably massive tax breaks to our pals from the 19th hole. To establish the illusion of integrity in American business, we passed paper tiger reforms, and we are waiting for the storm to blow over.

Some might call this a good record. Some might be wrong. It's a fantastic record. Hell, it's so good that even if I don't do another thing for the next two years except munch Chee-tos and clear-cut cedars on my thousand-acre ranch, I'd still deserve to be re-elected by a bigger landslide than my daddy buried that little Greek weasel Michael Da-cock-ass. (Applause.)

Going forward, our first goal is clear: We must talk about the economy loudly and often enough that the great unwashed come to believe we honestly care whether or not they have lousy blue-collar jobs earning the minimum wage we fight tooth-and-nail to keep from raising every five years or so. (Applause.)

As we continue to weather recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals, and an outright stock market implosion, we can say our economy is recovering — in the same way we manage to tell colored folks we respect them without cracking up. With unemployment still skyrocketing, our Nation needs more major corporations to be declared tax-exempt, so they can expand their uninsured part-time workforces, and put up more signs that read, "Janitors Wanted." (Applause.)

I am proposing that all the income tax reductions for rich folks set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this year. Ninety-two million Americans will keep — this year — an average of almost $1,100 more of their own money. Of course that's just an average. If Dick Cheney and a dozen penniless crack whores are riding a merry-go-round together, that still means the average person on that rig is worth about fourteen gazillion dollars. And therein lies the glorious logic of my administration's strategy to positively influence economic indicators without actually helping the little people. (Applause.)

We will also ignore the advice of even our own Republican economists eliminating the tax on stock profits. Indeed, despite what crybaby poor-boy Democrats might say, this plan will benefit middle and lower-middle-affluent citizens who not only know what dividends are in the first place, but are also the insiders who actually receive and pay taxes on them during the worst bear market since the Great Depression. (Applause.)

Our second goal is talking about high quality, affordable health care for all Americans while still maintaining the status quo as demanded by our campaign-supporting pals in the Insurance industry.

The American system of medicine is a model of privatization unfettered — with a dazzling ability to monetize suffering and add valuable properties to the real estate portfolios of healthcare executives. Of course, there are lots of folks out there who can't afford their own insurance. To them I say, never mind that the GOP routinely blocks any effort that might permit the almighty United States to shed its status as the richest Western nation that's still too cheap to provide medicine to its citizens. No, instead you should nod and smile as I make vague, feel-good references to a non-existent plan to someday, somehow get you and your family some bare-bones insurance so you don't have to keep giving your babies homemade penicillin you scraped out of the corner of your basement's sump pump. (Applause.)

Of course, health care reform must begin with Medicare, which tonight I will refer to as "the binding commitment of a caring society." Truth is, it's Socialist medicine for old people set up by that darkie-loving, pathetic excuse for a Texas President named Lyndon Johnson. As such, I really and truly stand diametrically opposed to it, but because legions of crusty geriatrics like it so much, it would be pure political suicide for me to state outright that my true goal is to incrementally obliterate Medicare over time. And so for now, we must create the illusion of supporting this program by giving seniors access to the preventive medicine they deserve. (Applause.)

Finally, to protect our health care insurance companies, we must address one of the prime causes of their displeasure — the threat of class-action suits in cases of gross negligence, incompetence, and/or ethical atrocities committed in the relentless pursuit of profits over healing. Yes, suing crooked hospitals and pharmaceutical and insurance companies is the real reason poor folks can't get insurance. And as coincidence would have it, SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS USED TO LITIGATE CLASS-ACTION MEDICAL MALPRACTICE LAWSUITS. YES, SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY UNINSURED MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Did I mention he's running for President?

Our third goal is to talk about promoting energy independence for our country, while dramatically ignoring the environment.

I have sent the Congress an energy plan that gives empty lip service to energy efficiency, conservation, and the development of cleaner technology, while still maintaining my family's slavish and unbelievably profitable devotion to Arab oil. I have sent you legislation called "Clear Skies" that lets power plants delay cleaning up their emissions indefinitely until such underminate time as "new technologies" are invented. Similarly, I have sent you legislation called "Healthy Forests" that will prevent future grass and brush fires by cutting down thousand year old trees and preserving them as attractive, mass-produced dining room sets. (Applause.)

I urge you to pass these measures, for the good of my personal fortune. Even more, I ask you to join with me briefly in pretending to set aside our shared contempt for the environment. And that's why tonight, I am proposing $1.2 billion in research funding that will never make it through Congress so that America can lead the world in talking about developing unsafe hydrogen cars and personal jet packs. Yes, we enter the realm of science fiction to set tree-huggers' and Star Trek freaks' hearts a-flutter with possibilities. Plus - my boys in big oil say that'll throw them liberals off their "black gold scent" for awhile. (Applause.)

Our fourth goal is to feign compassion towards the troubled non-rich of America. For so many in our country — the homeless, the fatherless, the addicted — the need is bottomlessly expensive and annoying. Yet there is power — election-winning power — in the wealth, manipulativeness, and hypocrisy of organized religion. I urge you to shatter the separation of Church and State by passing the United States Department of Faith's many Christly Initiatives, which use taxpayer dollars to support loaded acts of compassion that can methodically convert America to Christianity one heart and one soul at a time. (Applause.)

Another cause of hopelessness is addiction to drugs. I speak from experience when I say that sweet, delicious drugs can almost but not actually damage a political career, and reduce all the richness of opulent wealth to a single impotency-inducing desire. As a government, we are working hard with RJ Reynolds lobbyists to fight non-alcohol-and-tobacco drugs by cutting off supplies, and reducing demand through stepped up executions and the aggressive construction of black teen gulags. Yet for those already addicted, the successful fight against drugs is as simple as checking in to a full-priced suite at Betty Ford. (Applause.)

Speaking of folks who could use a leg up, let us not overlook those not among us who have not yet bifurcated sufficiently to have legs. I ask you to protect womb boogers from the very moment of man jelly implantation, and pass a ban on the emotionally-labeled "partial-birth" abortion which will serve as a first step in overturning Roe vs. Wade and transforming uppity broads back into the walking incubators and non-skim milk dispensers the Good Lord intended them to be. And because no science should ever seek to explain things that churches don't understand - I ask you to reaffirm the validity of the flat-earth theory by passing a law against the research-only cloning of cellular material.

The qualities of greed and domination at any cost that we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad. The American flag stands for more than our omnipotence and questionable taste in design. Our Founders dedicated this country to the cause of human dignity — the rights of every person and the possibilities of every life. Quaint, naive ideas from a time when grown men wore velvet knickers, froofy shirts, girly wigs and makeup. Today, under my leadership, America storms out into the world to stake its righteous, God-given claim of ownership over anything and everything that strikes our beady-eyed fancy. (Applause.)

As our Nation moves troops and buys alliances to make our world more profitable, we must also remember our calling, as a Christian nation, to take action against global health crises only once we ourselves feel threatened within our country club ivory towers. Such is the case with the homo disease AIDS. Today, on the continent of Africa, nearly 30 million chimpanzee sodomizers have the AIDS virus — including three million children under the age of 15. There are whole countries in Africa where more than one-third of the adult population carries the infection. And while in America, God continues to only kill fags with AIDS, we realize that he works in mysterious ways, and as such cannot rule out his AIDS-spewing anger welling up and splashing onto other, straighter, whiter groups.

As such, tonight I ask the Congress to commit $12,500 dollars over the next five years to AIDS-Proof Toilet Research, to turn the tide in favor of persons not yet given this sinner's death sentence by God.

Yes, this nation can lead the world in patronizing rhetoric about sparing colored savages from a plague of "nature." And as we all know, "nature" is a conservative think tank code word for "environmentalist queers who get high on MDMA and pack fudge bare-back at pagan sex parties." Mark my words, we will send Christian Scientists by the thousands and they will save the souls of these unfortunate horny blackies - just before they die off, of course.

And this nation is leading the world in confronting and defeating the man-made evil of international terrorism. Yes, there are whole three minute stretches when our cable "news" channels do not breathlessly report non-details about the war on terror. You can't always see, or feel, or smell terrorism. But that doesn't mean it's not there. Because it is. Your neighbor, your local brown-skinned 7-11 cashier, your Democrat congressman - they're probably terrorists. And I think I speak for all SUV-driving denizens of upscale suburban enclaves when I say, "better safe than sorry."

You see, the war goes on, and we are winning. Sure, there's no evidence of that. You just need to take my word on this one, because to give up even a shred of information would jeopardize the secrecy of our global spy satellite system which nobody outside America knows exists. (Applause.)

To date we have arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of Al Qaeda. Take Abu-Al something of Yemen. He was a suspected terrorist. A guilty, American-killing suspected could-be terrorist. He might or might not have pumped gas into those cars that were got into bloody cous-cous by a Predator Drone-launched Hellfire Missile. Well old Abu totally pooped his pants after that one, because he could be next! Yee-ha! Don't fear the reaper, Ragboy! Fear George W. Bush! (Applause.)

Moreso, we continue to monitor the conversations of any and all suspicious minorities or persons with viewpoints different from my own. Hear me now those who wish harm on America, or wish to change America for worse or better: SHUT UP OR LEAVE. We're watching you, Barbra Streisand. And many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way: They are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies. By that I mean - they are dead. Dick's got a vault where he collects the bleached bones and often times, he likes to swim around in them like he's old Scrooge McDuck!

We are working closely with other nations to prevent further attacks. America and coalition countries - like Britain, Qatar, Texas, a couple of islands in the Pacific I think, and Britain, have uncovered and stopped terrorist conspiracies in foreign places all over the world, but also in Buffalo, New York! And every single peaceful cul-de-sac in America! We've got the terrorists on the run. We're keeping them on the run. One by one the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice. Just like all them stupid retards in the Lone Star State. As we fight this war, we will remember where it began: here, in our own country. This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect our rich people from those of lesser breeding and defend our investments, both offshore and on Wall Street. Because national sovereignty don't really mean much if you've got enough money to live in a mountain fortress in like, that rich white nirvana Aspen. (Applause.)

We've intensified security at the borders and ports of entry, posted more than 50,000 newly trained federal screeners in airports, begun inoculating troops and first responders against smallpox, and are deploying the nation's first early warning network of sensors to detect biological attack. And this year, for the first time, we are beginning to field a defense to protect this nation from a plausible and rational hail of nuclear missiles launched through a time-bending wormhole by the Soviet Union of the 1960's.

I thank the Congress for supporting these measures. I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our people against bioterrorism, called "Project Bioshield." We also called in "Project Vaccinate Whitey" and "Project Paranoia Opium." But Bioshield sounded cooler. (Applause.)

The budget I send you will propose almost $6 billion to quickly make available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax, ebola, plague, and the kooties one can catch while shopping at an urban K-Mart.

Since September the 11th, our intelligence and law enforcement agencies have worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists. The FBI is improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and is transforming itself to meet new threats. Tonight, I am instructing the leaders of the FBI, the CIA, the Homeland Security and the Department of Defense to develop a Terrorist Threat Integration Center, to merge and analyze all threat information in a single location. That way, when a Hindu-looking bigmouth cracks a 9/11 joke at a Denny's in Florida, we can take the traitor down with a single headshot when he eventually rolls into a Popeye's Fried Chicken in say, Mississippi.

Our government must have the very best information possible, and we will use it to make sure the right people are in the right places to protect our GOP-voting, wealth generating citizens. Our war against terror is a contest of will in which perseverance is power. In the ruins of two towers, at the western wall of the Pentagon, on a field in Pennsylvania, this administration made a pledge, to show no shame in building its political platforms over the graveyards of the innocent victims of short-sighted foreign policies and out-of-control, ineffective covert operations blowback.

Whatever the duration of this struggle and whatever the difficulties, we will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men; free people will set the course of history. And let me reiterate: by free people, I mean those who put their own selfish, narrow-minded ideologies ahead of human decency; those people whose money and love of money is a fortification against a world of poverty they helped to create; those people who talk regularly to burning bushes; these free people shall set the course. For the corrupt and inbred shall inherit the scorched Earth! (Applause.)

Today, the gravest danger in the war on terror, the gravest danger facing America and the world, is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nukeyular, chemical and biological weapons. This threat is new; America's duty is familiar. To take it in the ass from the gutless Euro-faggots who will, in a heartbeat, give America a security booty call the second their stinky cheese and funny-tasting beer gets threatened to come over and use our big, throbbing missiles to take down, say, a goofy, genocide-dabbling European dictator. And I'm not talking about Hitler.

We love bailing those ladies out, and then getting all high on our noble, ass-kicking farts.

But make no mistake: the French are just Germans who make sauces and the Germans are just French who militantly externalize their hatred of Semitic races. Neither of these things are all bad. Mainly, the Germans and the French should just shut the fuck up and be ruled.

Throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great nations, built armies and arsenals, and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world. Sorta like me, but I'm a good guy. So are you. Well, not so much the minority party. (Applause.)

In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder had no limit. In each case, the ambitions of Hitlerism, militarism, Communism, Clintonism, Hippyism, Free-Lunch-For-Trashism, and Against-Usism were defeated by the will of "free" peoples, by the strength of great alliances and by the might of the United States of America. (Applause.)

Now, in this century, the ideology of power and domination has appeared again, and seeks to gain the ultimate weapons of terror... second to the sweet political machinations of Karl and Karen, of course.

America is making a broad and determined effort to confront these dangers. Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American plutocracy, vigorously rimming their privileged and perfectly cleansed anuses with my pointy and muscular tongue before asking them what to do next. Different threats require different strategies. In Iran we continue to see a government that represses its people, pursues weapons of mass destruction, and supports terror.

We also see Iranian citizens speaking out for liberty and human rights and democracy and techno music. Iranians, like all people, have a right to choose their own government, and determine their own destiny, and the United States supports their aspirations to live as a future American colony.

On the Korean Peninsula, an oppressive regime rules a people living in fear and starvation. Throughout the 1990s, the United States relied on a negotiated framework to keep North Korea from gaining nukeyular weapons. We kind of forgot about that. You know how cranky those Gooks can be. But let's be real here: you can't drive an SUV on spicy cabbage, you know what I mean?

Twelve years ago, Saddam Hussein faced the prospect of being the last casualty in a war he had started and lost. To spare himself, he agreed to disarm of all weapons of mass destruction. For the next 12 years, he systematically violated that agreement. He pursued chemical, biological and nukeyular weapons even while inspectors were in his country. He is now a mega-threat to the hundreds of miles of lifeless desert that surround his pathetic strongholds that are monitored by a coalition armada.

Nothing to date has restrained him from his nefarious undertakings: not economic sanctions, not isolation from the civilized world, not even cruise missile strikes on his military facilities. Hell- not even juicy oil deals with the Frogs and the Russians.

The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production. He is also pursuing the development of a satellite laser cannon to blow up the moon, trying to build a marauding airborne horde of cannibal robot octopi, and using illegally pirated TiVO. (Gasps.)

Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has much to hide. Like my history with cocaine and Texas whores, only seedier. The dictator of Iraq is not disarming. To the contrary, he is deceiving. Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why?

The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate or attack. Just like he's been doing for 12 years. Dominating, intimidating, and attacking... all from the safety of his little shitty-hobbled camel ass of a quasi-country. We know for a fact, he has the capacity to nuke half of Baghdad. (Applause.)

Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained: by torturing children while their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape. Also: feeding grandmothers to pits of crocodiles, pushing Tabasco sauce-soaked bamboo under fingernails, and running uncut fingernails down chalkboards. Want more proof of what a monstrous beast-monster Saddam is? He forces his own doppelgangers to orally gratify him! These are the sort of things that make sensitive soft middle-class pacifists at Amnesty International cry. Well, that and The Hours, and everything Rummy says. But to those wussies, when it comes to torture or the unilateralist arrogance of America (whatever the fuck that means) - well, drill away Saddam!

If this is not evil, then evil has no meaning. This is super evil. It's like Hitler x 2 evil. Also: to all you PETA and Animal Defense kids out there... remember that Saddam has the capacity to GAS PUPPY DOGS! And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq: Your enemy is not surrounding your country, your enemy is ruling your country. And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your liberation as a glorious rain of consumer choices rains down upon you! Starbucks! The Gap! McDonalds! (Applause.)

The world has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm. America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies. To those who doubt a connection between the religiously fanatical Al Qaeda and the secular, hard-drinking dictatorship of Saddam - we have discovered that Saddam was on Al Qaeda's Ramadan greeting card list.

We will consult, but let there be no misunderstanding: If Saddam Hussein does not fully disarm for the safety of our people, and for the peace of the world, we will lead a coalition of unwilling, small, defenseless Gulf coast and island nations to make Saddam sorry he ever tried to whack my Poppa! Tonight I have a message for the men and women who will keep the peace, members of the American armed forces: You are my favorite poll-increasing tools! Although I spent Vietnam serving cushy domestic duty, you sorry lower-class grunts had to climb the ladder of success with your hands full of your unlucky buddies' guts.

The irony that a coward such as myself could order your deaths wholesale, on an unnecessary, offensive war that will make my Vice President's buddies richer and ensure me a second, civil rights-raping term, is staggering. Now I'm not ironical, but it's like my wife the chef says, "you can't make a omelet without breaking some eggs." Lots and lots of eggs. But man, it's gonna be a good omelet, a big one too. Big enough to fill a huge trough from which my countless policy-influencing campaign contributors can gorge themselves sick. (Applause.)

If war is forced upon us, or if I force war upon us, we will fight in a just cause and by just means, sparing, in every way we can, the innocent. More or less. And we go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to the right country. Americans are a resolute people, who have risen to every test of our time. Adversity has revealed the character of our country, to the world, and to ourselves. Dissension has revealed this country has a long way to go before we are spiritually and racially pure. (Applause.)

Americans are a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every attendee of the annual Davos convention, and every distrusting, land-locked, God-fearing, bible-thumping, two-faced glutton who is perfectly happy to be lulled into a zombie-like trance by the aforementioned money bags, and of every nation smart enough to belly up to the American feed bag and return to their USA-built stalls to shit in their own personal piles of hay.

We Americans have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving God behind all of life and all of history. Because our loving God loves to kick ass... especially the ass of false gods like ALLAH! Our God also pities the atheists who insist on separation of Church and State. Forgive them Father, for they do not know that in Hell, even your teeth burn. (Applause.)

May He guide us now, may he talk to my Christian constituency and in turn may they translate to me what He said to them, and may God continue to bless the moral majority of the United States of America so that we continue to be Earth's #1 winners! (Applause.)

Thank you.

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