THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It's a real pleasure to be here at Malcolm Shabazz High School. You know it's rare that I feel so totally comfortable and safe in the company of this many young coloreds. But then how could I not? Your school lobby has more metal detectors than O'Hare Airport.

(Boos.)

Now as one or two of you may have heard on the Hot 97 FM "Phat Newz Minute," the shining star of your race – United States Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas – will soon hear arguments on a potentially landmark case filed against the University of Michigan. It's all very complicated, but to put it in a nutshell: some common white trash with shit grades who weren't rich enough to buy their way into even a lousy school like Michigan are lashing out in anger through the courts – and as such have provided my administration with a wonderful opportunity to irreversibly dismantle three decades of affirmative action legislation.

You see, in the programs under review by the Supreme Court, the University of Michigan has established an admissions process which we like to say is "based on race." Fact is, it's based on achievement, but by saying otherwise, Karl Rove can whip swing-state crackers who didn't finish high school into a racist frenzy believing you darkies are stealing the Chef Boy-ar-dee right out of their babies' mouths.

Of course, I realize that some of you might actually believe that affirmative action is a good thing. Hell, you might even know older black folks who went to college and seem to be better off for it. But did you know that for every last one of them that illicitly savored the nectar that pours forth from formerly white-only University water fountains, there was some other, more-deserving person – an upstanding blue-eyed legacy C-student exactly like my younger self – who was unjustly displaced by that uppity negro trash? Well there was. And THAT, my young Lincoln-lovers, is the problem. Fortunately, Yale and Harvard still know how to pay homage to a political dynasty – and rightly look past such trivial matters as academic achievement and criminal records when admitting members of my family to their hallowed, disgustingly intellectual and tweed-wearing-faggot-infested halls.

You know, I speak often of the "soft bigotry of low expectations" – and I mean it. In fact, I speak for all Republicans when I manage to not burst into laughter while stating that we really want you people to believe that we have HIGH expectations and great respect for you. Don't believe me? Listen to Trent Lott. And that's why it pains us when we hear you all still clinging to this affirmative action nonsense. I mean, how are you people ever supposed to pull yourselves up out of the gutter if you're not going to leave advancement to the nice white folks, whose pennies will miraculously "trickle down" to you while you're cleaning the toilets in their vacation villas?

In closing, I think it's worth spending a minute to attempt to emphasize our common ground. Yes, I may be a white omnipotent millionaire and you all are just poor helpless nobodies, but deep deep down, we share something very meaningful. We both know that the notion of higher education for minorities is bunk - that it's nothing but a silly product of liberals conspiring to convince colored youth that college is something they want, when in fact we all know you people are perfectly happy chanting your rap-hop songs, stealing Cadillac Escalades, shooting each other over crack, and having a grand old time lollygagging around on death row until such time as a good Republican Governor demonstrates true compassionate conservatism by putting you out of your misery. And I'll tell you something, it's that knowledge that brings our two seemingly diametrically opposed groups closer together every day.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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