DISPATCH - 01.25.02

HUNKY FAIR Has everybody seen the cover of this month's Vanity Fair magazine? Why, it features the hunky, Taliban-crushing God Squad in all its glory! There's Dick, Rummy, Colin, Condi, Andy (that CIA screw-up), and of course, the President of the United States. Usually, Vanity Fair is one of those publications we don’t read because it's New York City-bred intellectual porno. But those black-wearing urban media elite sure have woken up and seen the light! You keep preaching the truth, Vanity Fair, and maybe we'll protect your formerly pinko liberal asses from invading hordes of bearded heathens!

EVIL ANNE
Democratic jackals have been trying to tie the Bush Administration to Enron's silly troubles - but none of these allegations hold! Well we have an allegation that DOES stick: some of Enron's executives might have been evildoers and they might have contributed to former Texas governor and liberal grande dame Anne Richards. Not only that, we hear (and this is strictly OFF THE RECORD) that Miss Richards was seen in Enron's Houston HQ shredding records, accompanied by a flamboyant homosexual and what looked to be a colored welfare mother!

WAR IS SWELL
We're just a couple of down-home simple Presidential Advisors who've been tasked with making the Nation's Capitol a better place. And we may not know much, but we do know a few things. Like for instance: when America was under attack by evildoers, who plowed the evildoers into the ground? We'll tell you who: George W. Bush. He kicked their tail, and won the war. Not that the war is over. But he won. And our bet is that he'll keep winning. You heard it here first: he'll keep winning until the Republicans win in November - and then he’ll win some more!

THE GENIUS OF ENRON
The so-called Enron "controversy" is a lot of hooey. That Irish guy, the Treasury Secretary, was right when he said Enron's bankruptcy was just the "genius of capitalism." Isn't that an amazingly brilliant phrase? Remember that "capitalism" defeated evil "communism." Get it? There’s nothing to worry about. All those poor executives who lost some money will pull themselves up by their boot-straps, put their noses to the grind-stone, and trade in their 2001 SUV's for better models within 18 months. Now THAT'S living the American Dream!

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