THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Since our country was attacked fifteen months ago, my administration has been in high gear working to protect all essential Americans from the threat of smallpox bioterror. We set to work in late 2001 vaccinating all Republicans, starting in Crawford and Kennebunkport, then moving on to the Augusta Golf Club, the Heritage Foundation, Bob Jones University, and the Lynchburg Waffle House.

Today however, in light of the news media's sudden insightful discovery of the GOP's longstanding legislative white supremacy, I wanted to state for the TV cameras how important it is for this administration that we be perceived as not entirely apathetic to the plight of lesser Americans - especially colored people of color.

As such, at the recommendation of Secretary of Health Tommy Thompson, I am pleased to announce that today, the U.S. Public Health Service has reopened its laboratories at Alabama's Tuskegee Institute, and will immediately resume the important and scientifically valid experiments which were conducted there so humanely over some forty-odd years. We urge all black and otherwise swarthy Americans to promptly take Greyhound buses (back seats, please) to Macon County, where each is guaranteed an opportunity to participate in the Tuskegee Smallpox Experiments.

Our scientists assure me that assuming 100% participation, they might have some vaccine-infused, deep-fried chicken gizzards for those of you people who are fully insured as early as 2061.

(Applause.)

Thank you. It's the least we could do.

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