Listen up, Dick! You tree-hugging congressional pussies didn't listen to me back when my evil, mutant half-sister Linda Tripp was publicly castrating The Bill, and you're not listening to me now. Well you'd better start listening, or this party is going to go down in flames quicker than The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Firstly, who told Tom Daschle to have quivering conniption while wearing a pink tie? Pink is not a power color. Watching that limp-wristed South Dakota pansy twist his skirt into shrill little ball made me spit my wheatgrass shake over my Tibetan yak hair duvet. And would someone please increase Robert Byrd's medication? When I sung "People Who Need People" for him at his 80th birthday, he tried to jam a fistful of Confederate coins down my panties.

And you – your being all for the war in Iraq is really blowing up in your face. Forget that you're becoming more of an irrelevant wallflower than you already were - you're totally sabotaging the Grand Democratic 12-Point Plan for a Liberal America!

Need a reminder?

1. Phil Donahue to replace George Washington on all American currency
2. Unlimited government-funded abortions for all 12 year-old welfare girls
3. Increase taxes on the middle class by 753%
4. Impoverished ghetto-dwellers given carte-blanche to loot sprawling suburban houses for 15 minutes every April 15th. Homeowners are required to smile, serve lemonade, and say "Help yourself, unfortunate product of institutionalized classism and racism" to every special visitor
5. Prompt discontinuation of ALL military and defense spending
6. Mandatory kindergarten homosexual indoctrination bootcamps
7. New federal agency: National Endowment of Hollywood
8. Compulsory interracial mating
9. Immediate re-release of Special Edition "Yentl" DVD
10. Fire all the qualified white people from their high-paying jobs and replace them with ignorant colored crack addicts
11. Outlaw the very mention of "GOD" - he's just a stupid myth for retards, anyway!
12. Retroactive deportation of that talentless Canadian bitch Celine Dion!

By supporting the war Dick, you are undermining the dream of millions of liberals to turn this nation into the socialist nirvana it secretly wants to be! Why can't you be more like Teddy – a burned-out drunk who's still living in the good old days of angry white guilt?

Get on the ball, or I'll never throw another fundraising concert in whatever namby-pamby state you supposedly represent.

Your Fearless Leader,
     - Babs.