STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT ON FUTURE HOMELAND SECURITIZING AND THE REORGANIZATIONING OF THE INTELLIGENCIARY
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I want to talk to the good people of this great and fabulous nation for a few
minutes about the issue of homeland securitization. As you know, it's been going on nine months since we were
attacked by the Godless Arabiac hordes, and I want everyone to know just one thing - the military and intelligenciary
apparatus that was in place on September 11th was entirely Bill Clinton's creation. But the one that took over on September
12th was instantly, completely and totally different. It was all mine - and that's why there haven't been any attacks
since. Yes, I have single-handedly kept you, your friends, families, pets and Play Station 2's protected from Osamma
bin Labia long enough to gestate a whole baby boomlet - borne entirely of terror sex conceptions.
(Applause.)
Unfortunately, despite the fact that my administration has had a perfect security record in the nine months since
Bill Clinton knowingly aided and abetted mass murder against his own country, the liberal Democrats in Congress are intent
on fixing something that ain't broke. And so, today, with media-fueled public scrutiny over the perceived ineptitude
of the FBI and the CIA at an all-time high, it falls to me to make a move to diffuse an increasingly uncomfortable
political situation - AND to snatch the spotlight away from that snitching, four-eyed ugly broad at the FBI.
As you know, ever since I asked old Tom Ridge to leave the governor's office in Pennsylvania, he's been having a hard
go of it. He's the head of Homeland Security, but only really has enough authority to cook up a little alert status color chart
that's about as useful as a Wet-Wipe in a pig pen. So he's been nagging at me, and now the Democrats are nagging, and so
despite Rush Limbaugh's knee-jerk hatred of anything with a government stamp on it, I am proposing a major reorganizationing of
the intelligenciary that will combine dozens of smaller, marginally effective bureaucracies into one hopelessly obese, utterly
sedentary bureaucracy, which itself will still be totally dependent on information provided by the FBI and CIA.
(Laughter.)
No, really.
(Murmurs.)
This new Federal behemoth will assume the title of the Department of Homeland Security, and will, providing the Democrats continue
to be spineless enough not to question me, be headed up by Governor Ridge, who for some reason, is actually eager
to be the fall guy when and if we are attacked again.
Tom and the Department of Homeland Security will be charged with four primary tasks. They will control our borders and
prevent Mexicans, Canadiacs, Peruvian blue flake and thermonukular thingamajigs from entering our country. They will anger state and
other territorial local authorities by assuming patronizing control over any and all investigations which are interesting. They will
bring together our very best middle managers, who will spare no expense in developing the most complex and indecipherable paperwork that
the world has ever known. And most importantly, this new department will conduct preliminary reviews of the secrets and intelligenciary
things which will help to create exploratory task forces for the potential establishment of procedures for avoiding getting smacked down.
I'm sure we all wish Tom the very best in his new position. Let's give him a hand.
(Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless.
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