THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. This morning, it is time the White House addresses the escalating problems between the Indians (dot, not feather) and the Pakistinos. As it has been explained to me, nukular war is not healthy for children and other living things. Unless of course, you're fighting a war against the fetus-eating monsters from the Axis of Evil or other anti-Americans such as Muslims, feminists, tree huggers who won't let you drill in Alaska, single colored mothers and the ACLU.
I have just undergone a thoroughly quick briefing in the Oval Office, and apparently, this whole situation is nothing more than a longstanding dispute over the status of Kashmir. And while I was surprised to learn this, I must confess that in some ways, I wish more African countries had the balls to go to war to defend their opinions about the hot guitar licks of Jimmy Page and the soulful vocal stylings of one Robert Plant. However, no single song - no matter how much it rocks - is worth nuclear war.
Once, in my younger days, my brother Jeb and I got into a dispute of our own over Kashmir. He borrowed my copy of Physical Graffiti for three weeks, and upon returning it to me, declared that "The Wanton Song" was the best track on the album. I said, "Jeb, you're such a pussy. Only a faggot would say that Wanton could beat out Kashmir." But it was Kashmir - not Wanton Song - that was totally scratched up and its grooves practically worn out on my album. When I asked Jeb why that was, he said it was like that when he got it. Fucking liar. So I slashed the tires on his Firebird and stole his stash of Thai stick. But as a civilized American, I never ever ever would have gone so far as to drop a nuclear weapon in his room.
And so today, I would like to make a direct appeal to the Indians and the Pakistinos to put aside their differences and just agree to agree that no one rocks harder than Zeppelin. And Zeppelin never rocks harder than on Kashmir. And just because one of you curry breathing towel heads forgot to return an album doesn't mean that everyone needs to jump on a camel and cause Armageddon. I promise on my mother's leathery and pearl-bedazzled corpse that if you can come to peace agreements and allow the United States unrestricted oil drilling, I will personally purchase each of you a fresh copy of Physical Graffiti - on CD no less - as a token of good faith.
And with that stunning turn of brash cowboy diplomacy, I hereby declare yet another looming global crisis narrowly averted. (Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless.
White House Information:
