THE FIRST LADY: Good morning. As we all know, America's young people will one day become adults, annihilate the Godless hordes and inherit the planet. But today, as First Lady, it falls to me to ignore my own children so that I can take time to publicly express concern for yours. Indeed, as a Republican wife, the only thing I am allowed to talk about in front of cameras without getting angry wireless calls from Karl Rove is children. And while I don't personally care much for them (which is why I got the hell out of teaching at my very first chance), our nation's youth is seen by my husband's handlers as a safe topic for me to use to posture as if I am an elected official empowered with the ability to effect change of any kind. (Applause.)

Last week, I spoke to the Christian Coalition about the unseemly epidemic in this country, which I delicately christened "sex after marriage." Today I want to talk about an even more shocking health crisis affecting more and more of our nation's adolescents: sex before marriage. I have it on good authority that millions of young people across this great land of ours have taken to imitating the perversion and eye-popping physical contortions fed them by the Jewish entertainment industry, and are at this very moment deriving gratuitous physical pleasure by removing their clothing and rubbing their filthy smelly parts together. That's sexual activity, and it's got to stop. As every decent Christian knows, each person's hymen is a deeply private and shameful thing, which must be saved until marriage -- and reconstructed immediately after giving birth. I have brought will me a boxful of buttons made for the Christian Coalition meeting. If anyone would like to show their solidarity with us in godliness and cleanliness of body, you may pick up an "I'm Not Putting That Nasty Thing in Me!" button or bumper sticker after the program.

And so today, as part of my ongoing efforts to appear significant, keep away from the liquor cabinet, and reinforce the perception that my marriage is not crumbling under the strain of life in the spotlight and a mislabeled prescription, I am pleased to announce the establishment of the First Lady's Youth Promiscuity Task Force. Chaired by myself (the First Lady), this powerhouse of Republican ladies includes such notables as Mrs. Peggy Noonan, Mrs. Phyllis Schlafly, Mrs. Ann Coulter and Mrs. Marilyn Quayle, and will crusade tirelessly for the day when all of America's youth successfully suppress and renounce their all biological imperatives (except going #2, of course).

To that end, today marks the release of the first of what will be many decency-themed entertainment products produced by the Youth Promiscuity Task Force and targeted at reforming our nation's adolescents. Having commissioned an original song from the wildly popular rock music players SATANICIDE [web], we are happy this morning to release the fruits of their labors: the inspiring and libido-crushing anthem of abstinence "Keep It In Your Pants!" (Applause.)

We encourage all young persons to familiarize themselves with this message of this gripping composition. I myself can only hope that the President will follow their lead.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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