CHENEY TO GAO: "WHAT CONSENTING ADULT CEO'S DO IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN BOARDROOMS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIR OWN"
Remarks by the Vice President
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, earlier this week saw the General Accounting Office of the
federal government file an unprecedented lawsuit against the White House - a lawsuit which attempts to force
the disclosure of intimate details of happenings between myself and my gentleman friends from the Petrochemical
Boys Club. Today, while I am pleased that the news media has seen fit to gloss over this story - instead
focusing on lurid child murders and last night's all-important Grammy Awards, I nevertheless feel it important
to express my position on this matter. You see, I believe that contrary to the shrieking demands of certain
fiscal and ethical moralists in the Congress, that whatever consenting adult CEO's choose to do in the privacy of
their own boardrooms is nobody else's business but their own. (Applause.)
Unfortunately, there are those in the GAO who adhere to a very strict interpretation of what is "normal," "healthy,"
and "decent" when it comes to affairs of the governmental heart. To those persons I say, "Please, for the
sake of all Americans, I urge you to let go of your closed-minded, antiquated and pseudo-bigoted notions." I
for one already have, which is why today's White House embraces a definition of propriety that is more in
touch with today's complex realities of mutual attraction and corporate common interests. (Applause.)
Now I know that some people suspect that I am embarrassed to release details of my fabled West Wing
"Energy Task Force" liaisons. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I can safely say that not
only have these gatherings allowed me to realize a sense of utter public servant's fulfillment, they have
also left me overflowing with pride. I have nothing to fear, for my doings are both well-intentioned
and natural. (Applause.)
Yesterday, U.S. District "Judge" Gladys Kessler ordered the Energy Department to release all records related to
this intensely personal part of my financial and legislative life. Should her order be obeyed (which it should
NOT), dozens of my many gentle and trusted petrochemical compatriots will be forced out of the closet
and into the harsh spotlight of Congressional and media scrutiny. Of course, "Judge" Kessler's order represents
a flagrant affront to the notion of privacy that all non-Communist-admiring Americans hold so dear.
And so this morning, let it be known that I, Richard B. Cheney, have uncovered evidence that any and all persons
in the Energy Department who comply with "Judge" Kessler's order are in fact traitorous and freedom-hating compulsive liars.
And while I will retain my pride upon the seemingly inevitable outing of my task force buddies, I will
also steadfastly deny the truthfulness of any related revelations which are politically damaging until such time
as the meek and insipid public manages (or decides) to forget. (Applause.)
Thank you - and God Bless.
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White House Information:
