THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. As you know, the War on Terrorism remains in full swing. Yesterday, the Pentagon announced that it has spent over $30 Billion hunting the Allah-lover caveman Osama bin Laden, shoring up the totalitarian regime of General Pervez Musharraf, making helpfully vague apocalyptic warnings, and preparing to wage war against three demonic nations: dog-eating North Korea, cat-breeding Persia, and goat-boning Iraq. Today, let it be known that we must redouble our efforts, looking not only for threats outside America, but also deep within the bosoms of our own Axis of Homeland Evil: Marin County California, Palm Beach Florida, and New York City's Upper West Side.

These three so-called American places, each of which is a shameless enclave of gratuitous and detestable liberalism and free thought, befoul this great nation of ours by their very existence in three of its four noble geographic corners. How? Let me count and denounce the ways:

1. Marin County, California: A sickeningly permissive cultural petri dish - from which the human dung beetle John Walker Lindh sprung his filthy wings within an atheistic and condom-strewn school system. Marin County represents pure, over-educated California-style evil. Populated by freedom-hating university professors, amoral hippie spawn, and sensitive, marijuana-addicted computer programmers who would rather munch granola and comb their ponytails than help rub out the world's towelheads, effete Euro-pansies, and psycho-babbling feminazis. And so we will crush their evil, drown them in their own lattés, and re-populate Marin County with tens of thousands of True Patriot Southern Baptist commandos.

2. Palm Beach, Florida: A playground of twilight year perversion - where Christ-hating, geriatric homosexuals guzzle one another's bodily fluids like so many cans of Ensure, and would rather moan pathetically about perfectly legible butterfly ballots than fighting the Crocket-and-Tubbs good fight against the flow of drugs that once kept yours truly so deliciously insulated from reality. Florida is a battleground between the forces of vanilla-scented good and tumor-black evil. It's a state that showed its loyalty to the one true Divine Leader of this Great Nation (that being me), even though it was infected with the traitorous pus of millions of Democratic cry-babies. As for Palm Beach, this chancre of sun-bleached liberalism can and must be excised from the southern tip of my brother Jeb's very own personal peninsula.

3. Manhattan's Upper West Side: So close to the "Ground Zero" tragedy, and yet so far from recognizing the instant competence and legitimacy it instilled in my Presidency. Indeed today, early tracking polls show "Americans" in this community voting me out of office by a 40% margin in hypothetical elections - wherein I am pitted against various candidates ranging from the terrorist-supporting Senator Tom Daschle to the notorious thought criminal Barney the dinosaur. Now of course, I would never disparage the fine Republicans who choose to live in that barbaric, VD-marinated cesspool of a city. They gave me too many beautiful photo ops in the days after terrorists made my Presidency anything more than a collossal joke. But let's face facts: New York City would be a better place if all the Jews there moved back to Israel, all the old money Socialist socialites moved back to Boston, and all the cheeseball media yahoos moved back to LA - where an eletrified 30-foot barbed wire fence can safely contain all their hippy-drippy asses. Only then will Manhattan be cleansed of its spineless leeches - and stand ready to become a great city of cowboys, oil men, and blue-haired housewives.

Thank you. And God Bless.

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