THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, last week saw the culmination of many months of urgent and sometimes abusive pestering by my handlers, as I delivered a prepared statement informing the world that this great nation of ours would unilaterally withdraw from the landmark 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty (ABM). By effectively taking a big, juicy metaphorical dump on this agreement, which has kept Armageddon at bay for the past three decades, we have shown the rest of the world that not only are American testicles the biggest on Earth - with the thickest scrotal pelts - but they are also the most fragrant and determined!

Today, with the original signed copy of the ABM lining the travel crate of my Scottish Terrier Barney, this nation stands once again proud and free - liberated from the preposterous yokes of diplomacy and world opinion. Which is why this morning, it is my pleasure to announce the first two of what will doubtless be hundreds of unimaginably costly defense contracts awarded to some of my campaign's most fabulously anonymous benefactors.

The first contract, for $4.2 billion, has been awarded to our good friends at the Northrop Grumman Corporation (nyse: NOC), who will be tasked with developing the propulsion systems for the next generation of satellite defense systems, which will, when completed in 2012, be upwards of 27% effective at neutralizing warheads deemed laughably obsolete in 2009.

The second contract, for $3.7 billion, has been awarded to the God-fearing Republicans of Raytheon Systems (nyse: RTN), who will put taxpayer dollars to excellent use in their continued efforts to evolve and perfect thermal imaging and infrared targeting technologies - all of which will be quickly adapted for consumer use and put to work in a fine line of hobbyist sniper scopes - available at such bargain-conscious outlets as Wal-Mart, and your local semi-annual NRA munitions bazaar.

I want to congratulate these two fine corporations on their shockingly lucrative new contracts. We appreciate all that they have done for America. My handlers and I trust that in 2004, their multi-millionaire CEOs will be equally appreciative - and prone to dishing out the sweet and tasty 8-balls of political payola that make this gig so damned fun.

Thank you. No questions, please.

END 1:45 P.M. EST