THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. Today, in keeping with this administration's pledge to smoke out any and all enemies of the civilized world, I have ordered Attorney General Ashcroft to issue a warrant for the arrest of Palestinian Chairman Yasser Arafat, to stand accused for his grievous crimes against facial hair.

This grotesque hobbit, who can be found wrapped in the bizarre rags of a swami, is a long-time practitioner of a most destructive and insidious form of terrorism: the shameless cultivation and flaunting of stomach-turningly sparce and greasy patches of beard and mustache, with which he permits himself to be photographed and videotaped ad nauseum. Furthermore, as a notorious consumer of baked confections, Chairman Arafat takes special glee in sabotaging cease-fire negotiations by strategically augmenting the repulsiveness of his facial hair with a thick coating of sticky bun residue - thereby rendering his fellow negotiators consistently helpless with nausea.

It is my pleasure to tell the good people of America - and the almost-as-good people of the rest of the world - that that I will not rest until this monster has been brought to justice, and punished with the cold blade of my very own Gillette Mach III.

Thank you.

END 9:01 A.M. EST