PRESIDENT ON NEW YORK: "NOT JUST A CESSPOOL OF PINKO LIBERALS WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR ME AFTER ALL"

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It's nice to see all of you reporters here. We see so much of each other these days, I'm beginning to feel like you press people are almost like family. Black sheep distant cousins who Laura and I don't like to talk to or think about, but family nonetheless.

Now, as many of you know, yesterday I visited New York City in the wake of the terrorist attacks against our nation. There, I stood witness to the unspeakable devastation and horror at Ground Zero - site of the former World Trade Center twin towers. Afterwards, I spent much of the day touring our nation's largest city before departing for Washington, and during this period, I came to realize something: contrary to the beliefs I have held dear for my entire adult life, New York City is not just a cesspool of pinko liberals who didn't vote for me after all.

True, this vast metropolis of unfortunate open-mindedness, gratuitous diversity, and a grotesquely pervading intellectualism voted overwhelmingly against me, and for that I will always hold a grudge against it. But yesterday, I felt something from the people of New York that I had never experienced before - acceptance. And while I realize that their acceptance will likely be entirely fleeting, the tragedy which currently unites us all has genuinely allowed me to put aside, at least for now, my complete and utter contempt for everything that these people represent during times of non-crisis.

Yes, today we are one people, united against a common enemy. Never mind that the people of New York City consistently vote in such a manner as to flaunt their abhorrence of my foreign and domestic policies, or that they successfully make use of mass transit, thereby highlighting the absurdity of my energy programs. And never mind that their culture of unfettered art and ideas, while revered throughout the civilized world, is despised by the Christian Right power brokers who pull my puppet strings. And finally, never mind that in just over three years, they will once again vote against me in droves, depriving me of crucial electoral votes which might otherwise allow me to once again thwart the will of the majority.

Never mind all these things, for today, not only America - but all the world sees the incredible strength of this great and resilient city. It is, truly, a place where heros roam - men and women of uncommon courage, working together selflessly to rebuild the greatest city on the face of the earth. And while I had to depend on my speech writer to put those words in my mouth, I am capable of recognizing them as true. So for now, I will swallow my redneck pride, and accept that not only is New York City not just a cesspool of pinko liberals who didn't vote for me, it is also the true capitol of our nation, and I will do everything in my power to defend it, lest history judge me even more harshly than destiny already sees fit.

Thank you. No questions, please.

END 9:012 A.M. EST