PRESIDENT DEFENDS STATE DINNER LATE NIGHT FIREWORKS

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. For the past 24 hours, members of my hard-working staff have been deluged by angry e-mail and telegrams from the residents of Washington DC, Arlington, and other areas in close proximity to the White House. It would seem, for reasons quite incomprehendable to me, that some local people are displeased that at 11pm on Wednesday night, Mrs. Bush and I saw fit to entertain our Mexican dinner guests by blowing off a quarter million dollars worth of fireworks unannounced, thereby waking children and babies on a school night, and sending their liberal anti-defense parents cowering in unwarranted fear of missile attacks.

I want the hard-working people of this city to know that Mrs. Bush and I have many regrets surrounding this incident. We regret that the fireworks were not more impressive, and replete with three or four times the number of thunderous retorts. We regret that the display made it necessary to cut our intimate after-dinner cigar and brandy party short - at only 11pm - as we would have preferred to view it much later, once considerably less inhibited. And finally, we regret that this impressive pyrotechnic spectacle, which we so carefully choreographed to appeal to the our Latinospanic guests, had to be shared with the prying, greedy eyes of the always-complaining, baby-murdering Democrats who put us in this recession in the first place.

At this time, I think it's important to make something clear to the people of this metropolitan center: I am the President of the United States, and for the next seven years and change, the White House is my personal property, on which my Christ-loving supporters and I can and must indulge whatever inspired acts of selflessly conservative patriotism may occur to us - on any day, at any hour, and with any gauge artillery we may see fit. Persons believing otherwise are encouraged to choke on my Texas man steak.

Thank you for your time.

END 1:07 P.M. EST